The Big SFNBAFD Running Diary
by Homer Simmons
Now this is a surprise: While zillionaires and millionaires continue to fight over the question who is allowed to screw more fans over (officially it is called a “lockout”. That basically means everybody who pays the bills for people who are either doing their favorite thing for millions or people who have more money than most of us can imagine are stupidely waiting while the rich kids are celebrating partys behind closed doors) I decided to take some long-needed vacation (yes, writing sports columns 3 hours a week is exhausting!). And what happens? The greatest commissioner (nope, not Stern) comes up with the best alternative to the lockout besides hookers in your Vegas suite, watching LeBron choking away 4th quarters a million times and asking Lakers fans if they think Andrew Bynum’s brain damage is bigger than his knee damage: The SF Super Fantasy League.
Let me tell you the most important rules:
1. There is a draft (I love drafts).
2. There are 16 teams, which means every team will look like a bizarro version of the Miami Nazgul with multiple All-Stars or at least Borderline All-Stars (I hate Miami, but in this case I love it)
3. After drafting, there is a playoff format to determine the winner (Playoffs are the best invention in professional sports with the possible exception of half-naked cheerleaders to drive your wife crazy)
4. The winner is not determined by boring statistics like usual fantasy games. No, it is determined by the combined vote of the Sportforen.de community. This is hilarious. A German community discussing the NBA. Only because you have a finals MVP now one should not pretend that you know anything about this sports. Anyway…this might easily be the most subjective way to determine a fantasy league and it would make Daryl Morey and Wayne Winston rotate in their respective graves (what, those dorks are not dead yet?!?). Hilarious. I love Germans, I love Dirk.
5. My favourite Rule: All players are judged by whatever standards the judge chooses (Finally a league where “I hate LeBron” is a valuable piece of information. I love this league). However, commish Gr8 asked everybody to judge based on last season and last season only. That means if you hated 2011 LeBron more than you hated 2009 LeBron (and who didn’t?), you shall use the higher amount of hate for your judgement. Did I already say that I love this league? The only thing I pity is that in every other year Kobe would’ve been the most hated guy in this game, easily. Miami destroyed more than you’d think. Damn it.
So before we go through the draft, let me quickly go through the three most important things in a draft in this particular league. And for your information: Yes, I absolute LOVE posting this now instead of having to choose myself. Hating is my thing.
1. Choose position-bound: You will need to have a “team” in the end, which subjectively fits together. So it really doesn’t make sense to draft the best 5 Small Forwards in the game like you would in a normal fantasy league. And consider the differences in positions: The best Small Forward might individually be better than the best Center (although that is debatable), but the difference between best center and second best center is clearly bigger than the difference between best Small Forward and second best Small Forward. Lesson: Draft your Bigs early.
2. Choose role-bound: You will need defenders, scorers and glue-guys in this league (Yep, we finally found a fantasy league where Shane Battier makes sense). People at sportforen.de may identify “empty-stats” players during the game. May.
3. Choose team-bound: 90 % of the judges love the Dallas Mavericks. 99 % hate the Miami Heat. Just sayin’.
And finally, on to the first round of this year’s SF Fantasy Draft:
Pick 1 (Barea): Dwight Howard
Dwight is the best center in a league with one center, a lot of injury-riddled talents (Bogut, Oden), a crazy guy with broken knees (Bynum) and a few big guys who pretend to play center but basically are just long and defend. Easy choice, no position offers such a gap.
Also, nobody hates Howard because he cannot be hated. Except Stan van Gundy who hates everything you can scream at. But he will not judge here. Good Choice by Barea.
The next choice belongs to sefant77, who would select Dirk but is late because he is stuck in the bed of a beautiful Brazilian samba dancer. Everybody knows it. Everybody understands that samba dancers offer more than sportforen.de. But Commish Gr8 shows his cruel face for the first time when he puts sefant to the end of the first round. Come on, this is ridiculous. Everybody can make that pick. And if you would’ve really wanted sefant to suffer, make the pick for him and draft LeBron. Just imagine sefant having to defend LeBron later in all discussions. Hilarious.
BTW: The Great Hornets therefore move from pick 4 to pick 3. In a draft were you basically have 3 clear-cut franchise players (Dwight, Dirk, that guy from Miami). You should never allow the commish to own a franchise. Never.
Speaking of franchise players: I can already see my outlook explode because crazy Lakers-Fans call me a hater but honestly, did you see Kobe in the Playoffs? He is still a superstar, still a leader, but he is a notch below those guys and probably not even the best Shooting Guard of this League anymore. I will now go outside in Celtics-Gear and dance the “The Lakers got swept” Dance.
And I am back exactly for:
Pick 2 (Rainmaker07): LeBron James
Really? Didn’t you read Rule 3? Come on. Yes, LeBron is a good Basketball player. But he is also “The Chosen One”, “LeChoke”, the most hated athlete in all major sports and the guy who made Nick Anderson look like a cross between Robert Horry and Derek Fisher. I will laugh at you now.
Pick 3: (Hornets): Dirk Nowitzki
The Commish gets sefant’s player because he was the judge and moved sefant 14 draft spots. Never give the Commish a team. Never. It’s like going out with your guys and letting him choose which girl you are hitting on. Some guys might be nice with you but generally it’s a horrible idea.
After those 3 we come to the second tier of possible franchise players in the NBA: Kevin Durant, Dwyane Wade, Kobe Bryant, Chris Paul. All of them at the top (or near the top) of their position and the last guys left capable of being the best guy on a Championship team (Sorry, Derrick Rose is a few years away even if he got that laughable MVP throphy).
Pick 4: (NightHawk): Kevin Durant
Easy choice. One of the most likable athletes, a natural leader, a fantastic scorer and the good guy who did not kill Russell Westbrook when everybody would’ve understood it. Even I cannot find anything bad here.
Pick 5: (Irenicus): Dwyane Wade
OK, I can find one thing: Irenicus is going to kill NightHawk now. Wade is a sound choice for Irenicus, who likes advanced stats and people who shine in them. But is it a good choice in this league? Wade is not your clear-cut alpha dog in his current team, he just lost with another hall-of-famer against a team whose second best player was either Tyson Chandler or a 70-year-old Jason Kidd and again, everybody hates the Heat. We will see.
Pick 6: (G-SUS): Derrick Rose
The first Kahn move of the draft. Three reasons: First: You never want a Point Guard to be your Franchise Player. There is a reason why there is only one Point Guard who won Championships as the best Player of his team, and this guy needed to be 6-9 and have one of the best centers of all time next to him (and no, I will not type their names, forget about it). Second: If a Mid-first-round rookie (Paul George) can easily defend your “franchise player” you have a problem. Third: Derrick Rose is not even the best Point Guard in the league. It is debatable if he is top 3, for god’s sake.
Pick 7: (Fuffie) Kobe Bryant
When you vote Fuffie’s matches, please remember that Kobe raped somebody in Colorado. Just sayin’.
Pick 8: (Bulls 4ever) Blake Griffin
Bulls 4ever couldn’t select the most-overhyped player of last year (Rose), so he chose the second most. Don’t get me wrong, Griffin might be the best Power Forward in the league one day. But he was not even close last year. You should select 20 people before Griffin, easily.
Pick 9: (bigdog8) Carmelo Anthony
Now it starts to be hilarious. Melo, Rose and Griffin before you choose Chris Paul? Or Deron Williams? Or a decent Big like Duncan, Gasol, Stoudemire or Garnett? You got to be kidding me. The only positive is: The people who vote will love this pick. Melo is a “superstar”, at least by name. Let’s see who bigdog will built his team around a wing who doesn’t pass or defend.
Pick 10: (Mav007) Chris Paul
Finally. Did nobody except me see Paul destroy the Lakers single-handedly with a team which would struggle to compete in the D-League? He is easily the best Point Guard and one of the 3 best Superstar Leaders (Dirk and Durant being the others) in the League right now. How can this guy fall to 10?
BTW: I am done predicting anything. This is crazier than I ever imagined.
Pick 11: (madferit) Amare Stoudemire and Pick 12 (cudi) Deron Williams
Two solid but not spectacular picks. Madferit chooses the get his Big early and respects rule 1 but Amare might as well be the worst choice in this league to be your defensive anchor. Let’s see who he is paired with. And Deron is a great point guard. But again, you don’t want to build around point guards. Especially not around Point Guards who get Jerry Sloan fired. But still, he is better than most who are still on the big board right now.
Pick 13: (Mango) Tim Duncan
What do you say against one of the 10 best players of all-time, a real champion and true superstar? Yes, he is old. Yes, he is only the third option of the Spurs anymore. But he is Tim Duncan. Let’s move on.
Pick 14: (Sm0kE) Pau Gasol ad Pick 15 (Vash): Chris Bosh
Two very interesting picks. Both are very good players. And I hate both. Gasol because he is a Laker. Bosh because he is a Heat. And both because they are soft, awkward Big Men who should be no more than breakfast for Kendrick Perkins and 2008 Kevin Garnett.
But they are very interesting for another reason. Both have been major disappointments last year, Gasol in the Playoffs and Bosh during the whole year. How will the judges judge in this case? Based on what both can do if they are on the top of their game (be soft, look awkward) or based on what they did last year (being soft, looking awkward)? See what I did there?
Pick 16: (Sefant77) Russell Westbrook
Finally Sefant gets his pick. Instead of getting his favorite buddy, he has to choose among a lot of good second bananas, older players who used to be franchise players or younger players who might develop to be one in the future. Anyway, he obviously hates this game now and chooses Russell Westbrook, the guy who actually managed to drive the nicest superstar in the league crazy during the playoffs and is without a doubt not among the 16 best players in this league. This is going to be hilarious, sefant will have to defend a player he hates during the voting. Anyway, he can always start posting pictures of that Brazilian samba dancer. In a league as crazy as this one he could probably win with that strategy (or at least compete with Vash). Oh, wait, this is still about Basketball?
Sefant will also continue with Pick 17, but I just realized that there was no Celtic selected in Round 1 but two Lakers. I am going to light myself on fire right now. Perhaps I will be back with round II later.
. Kritik ist gerne willkommen. Rechtschreibfehler duerft ihr behalten 
