Calgary Flames are ‘N SYNC
They're one man shows, and everyone knows it. It's the star that receives all the accolades and has driven their success. Without them, they would be nothing. The supporting cast are a group of professional journeymen living off the scraps handed down to them by their famous leader. The leader will continue to achieve individual success on the international stage but will never achieve anything with the group again. To be fair, their fan base is inclined to show support to the team by sexual displays of flashing or garment tossing.
Florida Panthers are the Spice Girls
They will be remembered as some of the best things to be born out of the 90’s. The similarities are clear: Ginger Spice is Tomas Fleischmann, Posh Spice is Brian Campbell, Scary Spice is Erik Gudbranson, Sporty Spice is Jacob Markstrom and Baby Spice is Jonathan Huberdeau. It can only be assumed these members will pursue other ventures once they get the chance.
Phoenix Coyotes are Celine Dion
Most of their fans are retired Canadians who need something to take their mind off their last bad round of golf. They have management that kinda makes you scratch your head and wonder what’s going on behind the scenes. Anyways, it’s only a matter of time before they return to Quebec and settle down for good.
Pittsburgh Penguins are Coldplay
Are idolized by the mainstream because of a darling with a golden image. Their leaders are no strangers to hoards of media attention about their private lives. They rose to fame in the 1990's and can now be found everywhere with nauseating results. Their fans, largely pre-pubescent girls, are eager to attach themselves to one of the biggest acts of their time. They have proven you can be a massive whiner and achieve success. They're beneficiaries of good luck and timing in that, if it wasn't them, it could have anyone to have their success. They just so happened to be in the right place at the right time. You could say, they really won the lottery.
Vancouver Canucks are Metallica
They're sore losers who cry about being victims of their own shortcomings and failure to adapt to a changing landscape when it really mattered. It’s almost impossible to have a conversation with one of their fans since they’re so consumed with their heroes they are unable to see reality clearly. Also have a female fan base than enjoys taking off their shirts much to the chagrin of men everywhere. (Did you see that swamp donkey in the Stanley Cup finals? I'd riot too if that was the best my city had to offer.)
Washington Capitals are Meatloaf
At the end of the day, they’re a group, but we all know they’re really a one man show. Led by a large, theatrical male with a flare for the dramatic who loves the limelight. My apologies, but whenever I hear Ovechkin speak or see his head in that locker, I just picture him bursting out into “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.” There’s really no rhyme or reason to this one to be fair, I just think they’re hilariously talented once in a generation characters. I would also kill to see him in a Halloween costume dressed up as a Rocky Horror Picture Show character.
Don Cherry is the Talking Heads
(Do I really have to explain this one or is the band name evidence enough?) They rose to prominence around the same time and have managed to captivate a large audience who listens to them regularly. It's near impossible to decipher their words and more often than not, they make no sense at all.
Gary Bettman is P. Diddy
He likes to be on television and remind people he's extremely important. Can usually be found talking about cancelling this and that if he doesn't get his way (he'll do it, man). I wouldn't trust either as a babysitter.